A Bit of a Move

Hello everyone. I'd like to thank everyone who has - over the past year - been very kind in stopping by the blog and giving me thoughts every now and again. Nyla and I have finally put together a bare-bones website that will begin to serve as a bit of a collective resource site for all sorts of responsible non-monogamy. So this particular blog will be going by the wayside, but we'll keep it up for a while until people are aware of the new site. So here it is: Coming Out Poly.

The Politics of Jargon

A few articles around the poly-blogosphere have raised the question of word usage. Poly in the News has an article that mentions a few terms. Mama Java - the Polyamorous Misanthrope - also has a few things to say about poly and lgbt terms. While I understand that there are associations that come with using words to identify one's self, I think there is some kind of logical flaw in trying to build a community around words and jargon. It seems counter-productive.

"Compersion" and "poly-obvious" are terms that seem to fit. Having an argument over the semantics of a word (i.e. - gender vs sex) seems a little unnecessary. Nyla and Elle and I had a conversation about this the other day. I understand that "sex is between your legs and gender's in your head" but if someone slips up and uses one or the other, don't rip off their head. It's not meant as an insult. I think that too much time can be spent worrying about trying to find the right definition for what you are that you forget who you are. I understand that people want to be able to identify with others like themselves, but trying to find all the right words to do that can sometimes be a waste of time.

I recently made a post about being in the minority, specifically the sexual minority. I think this term, too, is one that baffles me. I'm still not sure what to make of it even after more than a week. If sex is between your legs, how is being in the sexual minority a good term? Wouldn't that mean either male or female? Shouldn't it be the "gender minority"? Or would it be something more akin to "orientation minority"? Whatever it is, it's a drawn-out argument. I think I brought it up more for discussion than to incite a riot or anything. It's just something that popped into my head.

Nyla's leaving here in just over a week and will be gone for a whole weekend. After that, she'll be gone for six days surrounding the weekend following. It's going to be strange not having her around; she and I haven't really been apart for more than a few days in years. We kind of clung to one another for a long time because we didn't really have anyone to identify as friends that we could really communicate with well. Plus, Nyla moved here without knowing anyone, so it was hard for her to really go out and do things since she didn't have anyone but me to go out with. So it's going to be strange, and I'll miss her terribly.

Oh, and if anyone is in Madison this upcoming weekend for the poly seminar given by cunningminx, Nyla and I will be there. Elle has to work, so she's staying in town for that (and to attend a drag show with Rae). We'll probably go to the one here in Milwaukee, too, because it's pretty close to us.

Life as a poly family

This weekend, Killian, Elle, and I spent a lot more time than usual together. You see, our general arrangement is both Elle and I get 2 of what we call "date days". The three of us share a calendar and we plan our date days around work, school, and other social activities. Generally we each get a night during the week and then another on the weekend. On Saturday the three of us hiked around a state park here in Milwaukee for a bit and had lunch, then on Sunday we hung out at the coffee shop with friends, Killian made Elle and I dinner while we did some knitting (Elle just taught me ;D), and we watched some Arrested Development.

I think for me it was the first time since identifying as poly, that I have felt part of a poly family. Previous to now my and Killian's relationships were kept pretty separate from each other - we'd see each other's partners in passing, but we never really took the time to get to know them or to spend time with them. In our mind's we expect our lives ahead of us to be more like this weekend - spending time together as a family, but also getting our own personally time with our SO's and ourselves.

Killian and I have long talked about how we imagine the future to be. We have talked about how we would work the home situation - ideally everyone living in the same house or next door to each other, sharing meals and chores, separating personal space, explaining to family and friends our situation a little further, since, by then it will have had a little more time to settle in their minds. We've talked about how we expect our lives with children will be (Killian and I plan on having two kids) - how would we explain the relationship with our secondaries to them, their friend's parents, that kind of thing. We've discussed how we would manage finances - separate accounts for each person with everyone putting in X amount into a joint account for bills and expenses, effectively splitting everything evenly.

It's a hard thing to sit down and draw out. None of us have had any mentors as far as poly life goes. We sort things out as logically as possible and then what we can't figure out or decide on we consult the few poly resources that we can find online and fill in where they left off. We just want to live a happy, stress-free [as possible] life together - nothing different, really, than a monogamous couple would.

If you are poly, how do you work these situations? Do you live together/separately? How do you manage finances? Does everyone work? I'm interested to find how you deal with these situations, so please leave your responses in the comments.

Adjusting

I think the past couple weeks have been good to reflect for me. I've been stressing out a lot and worrying even more, but something has finally broken.

I've had some time to spend with both Killian and Elle which has been nice; we hadn't really spent all that much time together before outside of a dinner every now and again. Being around them when they are "together" was really hard for me before. I felt a lot like the third wheel and that I didn't really need to be there. I don't know how or when things tilted, but it seems much more comfortable now.

We went out for dinner last night with a friend of mine and I think that Elle and I spoke to each other more than we did to anyone else, which was nice. I've really wanted to get closer to her and for us to be good friends for a long time, just with everything going on between Killian and I it had been a bit rough.

So maybe this is the turning point for me. I'd definitely welcome it. I want the three of us to get along with the fewest number of problems and it'll be a big relief if it happened sooner than later.

A Near Slip-up . . . and . . . Do I Creep You Out?

Writers group was this weekend. Elle had a nice time; we went over two of her flash fiction pieces. I think it was a very successful group, which always makes me feel very good about running this thing. However, we had a bit of a slip-up from a friend who attends the group.

Elle has a story about a girl whose guy cheats on her. In a moment of anger, she paints a vile portrait of him, stuffs it in a shipping tube and sends it to him (and his new live-in girlfriend). CW leans over the table at the end of the discussion and whispers "just a word of advice: don't piss her off". There was an odd pause; I looked at him, turned and looked at Elle, then glanced around at the rest of the group. No one seemed to really catch on, but it settled my heart firmly in my throat for the rest of the afternoon. I trust CW; he's a great guy. This was an honest slip-up, and I don't fault him for it. He's known since nearly the first time we really had a chat. So I won't fault him too much for it.

But how do you deal with that sort of thing? That's like being homosexual and someone else outing you at a party or some jazz. You're a little upset, but really, what's the best reaction in that sort of scenario? Laugh it off? Just acknowledge it with everyone? I think I'd be most upset by the idea that these people, who I've come to respect, would respond differently to me, to my professionalism, and to my writing in a much different way than they have in the past. That would be the most disappointing thing, I would think.

On another note, that same night, we went out to dinner with Nyla and her friend Bucks. The restaurant was good; the food was mediocre. The conversation, however, was riotous. We talked a great deal about the lack of clothing worn by the performers at The Grammy's (yeah, we watched them because they had it on TV, and the guy who owns the place is the drummer from the now-defunct band, Citizen King). We also talked about feminism, sex, politics, Milwaukee, and then poly. I think Bucks was a little creeped out that I was talking to him about poly - even though he's aware that I'm married to Nyla (his friend) and dating Elle. When I began talking to him about rather mundane poly topics (community, other poly friends, etc.) he got a little shifty in his chair, and it made me wonder how certain people react the way they do. I suppose I just know to not really discuss it around him; something about it makes him uncomfortable - though it's nice to know that he's accepting of it. Some people are just that way.

In the Minority

Nikita - the woman I mentioned last post - said something last Tuesdays that's had me thinking lately. (Man I hate it when people make me think). She and I had a discussion about the LGBT community, the Polyamorous community, and the "sexual minority". The what?

I'm a white male. I've never been in the minority. And as Nikita said, "the next best thing to being a white male is being a white female". No one needs to know that she's gay. I've always had a bit of an advantage, despite me apparently loathing all things woman. However, the more I become comfortable with identifying myself as something other than the traditional "one-woman-for-every-man" man, I begin to see the disdain certain people have for anything other than the norm. Slowly, I've begun to see that I really am part of a minority.


What I had never really thought about, though, was the idea of being part of a "sexual minority". Mostly I'd never thought of it as that because I've never really categorized being gay or bisexual or trans-gendered as being entirely a sexual thing. Yeah, the orientation part is in there, but that doesn't mean that 'sexualness' is the key factor. I suppose it's kind of a matter of semantics, but that's a mute point. I understand the logic underlying Nikita's argument, but it really made me think about my place in the community. Nyla and Elle and I have increasingly become more a part of the community where we can. We've been approached by a few different people to discuss poly, and personally it makes me feel very self-aware in a good way. I like being comfortable about the way I live my life and having people comfortable enough with it to discuss it intelligently.

The other discussion Nikita and I had was about the strangeness of the LGBT community making outcasts of the Poly community (not to mention the bisexuals who are a part of their own community). All our lives we struggle against something or someone, and it baffles me sometimes that people in the same boat would struggle with one another over who should be Captain. It's the true definition of counter-productivity. Perhaps that'll be another lengthy post next time.

Snowed In

Days like yesterday are very good days. We got nearly 16 inches of snow where we live. Nyla's work closed shop; Elle's school closed shop; so Killian called into work (which had not closed shop). Nyla and I slept in a bit and then headed over to Elle's to spend some time there. It was a good day, despite spending nearly two hours, all total, shoveling snow off sidewalks, out from around cars, and driveways.

One of the nicest things about days like this are that Nyla and Elle get to spend time in one another's company, and things seem very natural and smooth. Nyla made a comment to me one time about not being myself when I'm with the two of them, and it didn't really occur to me what she meant until yesterday. I hadn't ever really felt comfortable being affectionate with either of them in the company of the other. It wasn't as though I was embarrassed or ashamed of it; I just didn't want to offend or upset anyone, and I thought that my little affections would. I'm not sure if it was Nyla's demeanor or my own realization that I just had to do what I felt was comfortable, but we had a nice time - the three of us - relaxing on the couch watching movies, writing, Elle knitting, Nyla pretending to get work done when really she was looking for new hair styles. It was a wonderful time, and we enjoyed hanging out with Madison and Rae, who also chose not to go anywhere.

This is how I see my future (sans a massive snow storm): the three of us (or four, I suppose, once Nyla finds someone) sitting around the house being who we are and doing what we love to do. I love my girls, and I love being able to sit with them both and relax; it makes me feel very content and satisfied. Nyla and Elle were talking about tattoos the other day, and I've always debated whether or not I would get one, and I thought of one the other day. It would be in Gaelic (because I think it's a beautiful language), and it would say "The world is my satisfaction". Kind of strange, yes, but I think that all around me I find satisfaction in many things, not the least of which is the love that I get from Nyla and Elle.

Oh, and on another note, I found a new poly-friendly friend. She's a colleague here at work, and the moment I met her, I felt that we would click. She's awesome. She's in her late 40s, lesbian, partnered for 14 years, and is "totally down with the sexually-alternative lifestyles" (her own words). We had a great time chatting at the coffee shop just up the street from me and Nyla. Plus, she loves to read, so we'll get along just fine.

All-in-all, a good couple of days. I just wish they'd learn how to deal with a snow storm in Wisconsin by actually plowing the roads, so I could get where I need to go.